So.. it is true. when I decided to name my blog life's like a chu chu train I may not knew what it meant at that time. But now I'm feeling it.
Few months ago, I was stressed out because my job was coming to an end due to contract. I was looking for a new job, studying for exams, trying to get motivated, and maintaining a healthy relationship with my friends. For a short time, I completely forgot about my cousin's wedding where I was the Maid Of Honor.
This made my cousin sad since she was expecting so much from me. On top, I have no experience so I had no idea what I was supposed to do or ask. We had a short fight and stopped talking. As the wedding day approached, her best friend made sure we were talking again. Her wedding came and it was beautiful. Everyone including the bride looked stunning.
Aside from being nervous about the wedding speech and preparation, I stopped thinking about or stressing about jobs and studying. I thought wedding was going to be one day and once it's over I can resume my studying. So, that was my plan until, on my cousin's Henna night (a traditional night for the bride and the groom) I met this guy. I found out he was the groom's roommate in college. So there we were dancing the night away. I had fun and didn't think much about it. I wasn't really expecting anything. Seriously not ANYTHING!
After Justin, I felt like something inside of me just died. I was tired of dating guys who are just not ready or won't take the initiative to ask a girl out or even just putting a simple effort. I have tried with Justin and I have tried with Alvin. Nothing worked. I tried the whole idea of "it is 21st century so if you'r a girl likes a guy, then ask him out". I realized that every time I took the courage to ask a guy out, they always let me down one way or another. So enough was enough. I really don't want any drama or issues to deal with.
I was angry and thought if I have to be single for rest of my life, then I rather do that than date a guy who always lets me down. Loneliness is better than being disappointment and depression. So there I was enjoying my cousin's wedding and he came and danced with me. He's been super sweet and I cannot complain. Ever since the wedding we hooked up, he's been texting me Good Morning and calling me in the evening after his work just to say hi. He took me to 3 dates now and spoiled me to core I think. (so far he's the best guy I've dated).
Ok here goes the real problem....
Yesterday, we went on a dinner date and he took me to a massage. I saw the side of him that I have never seen before. I know he's getting comfortable to show me few things. On top, I felt self conscious about him seeing my legs. I know during the massage he was checking me out. He did say "oh you have sexy legs" as a sarcasm. I made me embarrassed but I brushed it off knowing he was just joking. He is old enough to be matured than that or at least I would assume him to be.
Today, it made me think, is it me doing something he really didn't like? He is been paying for every single things so far. It made me feel guilty and I'm not sure how to tell him I want to pay for things too. My worry is that being asian, he may hurt his pride. He's also more successful than I am to afford those things. So at this situation I'm not sure what to do. On top, I have never dated someone whom I have no clue about. This makes me feel uncomfortable. What does it do and is he telling me the truth? These kinds of questions just going around in my head. Sometimes I feel like he's a trouble and I should be getting involved with him. There are few things he said he did when he was younger and stupid. But growing up and having a great career, he isn't the same person as before. On the other hand, I think he's losing interest in me. If he does, what does it mean? That something is wrong with me? Or that he has found someone else? Or that I'm too young for him to date or too naive for him to date?
For some reason, looking at my blog, I started thinking about all the events that has happened this year. It had been one heck of a crazy year and there are still 3 more months to go including this one. If my life could be describable right now, it would be my blog's name. I've been going through so many ups and downs, building new relationship and ending some old ones, progressing in life and on the other hand, putting something in hold. At the moment, I'm lost. I'm trying to get back at my studies and get a full time job.
I need to find a good hobby. I forgot how was it when I was busy and creating things. I even forgot what I used to do to kill times? Even reading a book became boring. Exercising is too hard and lack of motivation is not helping either. Can't find a hobby to pick up and make a habit of it. I really hope I find my mojo, whatever it was and however I found it before.
So here's to me.... Good luck!
Few months ago, I was stressed out because my job was coming to an end due to contract. I was looking for a new job, studying for exams, trying to get motivated, and maintaining a healthy relationship with my friends. For a short time, I completely forgot about my cousin's wedding where I was the Maid Of Honor.
This made my cousin sad since she was expecting so much from me. On top, I have no experience so I had no idea what I was supposed to do or ask. We had a short fight and stopped talking. As the wedding day approached, her best friend made sure we were talking again. Her wedding came and it was beautiful. Everyone including the bride looked stunning.
Aside from being nervous about the wedding speech and preparation, I stopped thinking about or stressing about jobs and studying. I thought wedding was going to be one day and once it's over I can resume my studying. So, that was my plan until, on my cousin's Henna night (a traditional night for the bride and the groom) I met this guy. I found out he was the groom's roommate in college. So there we were dancing the night away. I had fun and didn't think much about it. I wasn't really expecting anything. Seriously not ANYTHING!
After Justin, I felt like something inside of me just died. I was tired of dating guys who are just not ready or won't take the initiative to ask a girl out or even just putting a simple effort. I have tried with Justin and I have tried with Alvin. Nothing worked. I tried the whole idea of "it is 21st century so if you'r a girl likes a guy, then ask him out". I realized that every time I took the courage to ask a guy out, they always let me down one way or another. So enough was enough. I really don't want any drama or issues to deal with.
I was angry and thought if I have to be single for rest of my life, then I rather do that than date a guy who always lets me down. Loneliness is better than being disappointment and depression. So there I was enjoying my cousin's wedding and he came and danced with me. He's been super sweet and I cannot complain. Ever since the wedding we hooked up, he's been texting me Good Morning and calling me in the evening after his work just to say hi. He took me to 3 dates now and spoiled me to core I think. (so far he's the best guy I've dated).
Ok here goes the real problem....
Yesterday, we went on a dinner date and he took me to a massage. I saw the side of him that I have never seen before. I know he's getting comfortable to show me few things. On top, I felt self conscious about him seeing my legs. I know during the massage he was checking me out. He did say "oh you have sexy legs" as a sarcasm. I made me embarrassed but I brushed it off knowing he was just joking. He is old enough to be matured than that or at least I would assume him to be.
Today, it made me think, is it me doing something he really didn't like? He is been paying for every single things so far. It made me feel guilty and I'm not sure how to tell him I want to pay for things too. My worry is that being asian, he may hurt his pride. He's also more successful than I am to afford those things. So at this situation I'm not sure what to do. On top, I have never dated someone whom I have no clue about. This makes me feel uncomfortable. What does it do and is he telling me the truth? These kinds of questions just going around in my head. Sometimes I feel like he's a trouble and I should be getting involved with him. There are few things he said he did when he was younger and stupid. But growing up and having a great career, he isn't the same person as before. On the other hand, I think he's losing interest in me. If he does, what does it mean? That something is wrong with me? Or that he has found someone else? Or that I'm too young for him to date or too naive for him to date?
For some reason, looking at my blog, I started thinking about all the events that has happened this year. It had been one heck of a crazy year and there are still 3 more months to go including this one. If my life could be describable right now, it would be my blog's name. I've been going through so many ups and downs, building new relationship and ending some old ones, progressing in life and on the other hand, putting something in hold. At the moment, I'm lost. I'm trying to get back at my studies and get a full time job.
I need to find a good hobby. I forgot how was it when I was busy and creating things. I even forgot what I used to do to kill times? Even reading a book became boring. Exercising is too hard and lack of motivation is not helping either. Can't find a hobby to pick up and make a habit of it. I really hope I find my mojo, whatever it was and however I found it before.
So here's to me.... Good luck!
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