Not so sure what to write today. I'm at my apartment watching some korean drama instead of working. My wrist is still hurting from Carpel Tunnel. I'm debating between getting up from sofa to check on my steamed vegetable in the microwave or writing this journal or work.
This week I am feeling very emotional. Last weekend mom, cousin, and aunt all started talking about marriage again. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I'm helpless. Sometimes I wonder is it me who is stopping myself from getting married or is it actually the fate. Is there something call fate exist? Maybe I'm after my success very much that I prevent myself from getting into relationship or settling down.
I am dating a nice guy who is financially stable, honest, and loyal. He's also good looking too. However, I feel as if we lost the chemistry. When I'm alone and think about him, I don't know if I want to hang out with him, kiss him, or hug him or I'm just using him to fill in my empty space or my loneliness.
I'm 28 years old which to some people is very young. However, my cousin who is same age as by the way, living my dream. Married to a successful guy, has their own house, she herself has a great job, they love going out as much as cooking together, traveling the world together. I mean she is literally living my dream. I'm not saying I'm jealous of her. I'm very proud of her and happy for her. She did good. But I feel unfair as if somehow someone writing her fate with my wish.
It feels strange watching someone living my dream. It makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong or maybe I'm not doing something right. It's not that I don't fate or I don't find any date. In fact, I do. I find more dates than any of my friends. This makes me feel as if there are no man who would like to date me for me. It leads to make me believe that man are out there to get laid and that is all. The ones who are looking for something more than just one night stand is usually not my type.
Maybe, it is me. My monotonic boring tone or my lack of social skills. It has to be something. I cannot keep a guy I like. I cannot keep a guy interested in me whom I like. I cannot say I'm choosing the wrong type of guy because that's the type of guy makes me happy. That's the type of man makes me stay interested or want to be with them. The nice guy I'm dating, he maybe the ideal guy every girl wish for, but clearly he's not my type. He doesn't make me want to be with him 24/7. He doesn't make me miss him. No, I'm not asking for a douche bag. That's the last type of guy I want to date. Question is the type of guy I want to date, do they want to date me? Or would I find a guy who would like to date me who is also my type?
I'm lonely and it's only getting worst. I started gardening. It really makes me feel happy. I wish I could get a dog. I need to keep my mind occupied so I wouldn't think about all this. Marriage, relationship, love - all these has been my issues for so long. I come to think, I'm one of those women who truly aren't meant for all these. I'm one of those women who will be living alone because she (in this case I cannot find a single man who can satisfy me when it comes to love. Or maybe I just don't know how to fall in love and think too much.
As I'm growing old, I wonder how lonely my life is about to get....
This week I am feeling very emotional. Last weekend mom, cousin, and aunt all started talking about marriage again. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I'm helpless. Sometimes I wonder is it me who is stopping myself from getting married or is it actually the fate. Is there something call fate exist? Maybe I'm after my success very much that I prevent myself from getting into relationship or settling down.
I am dating a nice guy who is financially stable, honest, and loyal. He's also good looking too. However, I feel as if we lost the chemistry. When I'm alone and think about him, I don't know if I want to hang out with him, kiss him, or hug him or I'm just using him to fill in my empty space or my loneliness.
I'm 28 years old which to some people is very young. However, my cousin who is same age as by the way, living my dream. Married to a successful guy, has their own house, she herself has a great job, they love going out as much as cooking together, traveling the world together. I mean she is literally living my dream. I'm not saying I'm jealous of her. I'm very proud of her and happy for her. She did good. But I feel unfair as if somehow someone writing her fate with my wish.
It feels strange watching someone living my dream. It makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong or maybe I'm not doing something right. It's not that I don't fate or I don't find any date. In fact, I do. I find more dates than any of my friends. This makes me feel as if there are no man who would like to date me for me. It leads to make me believe that man are out there to get laid and that is all. The ones who are looking for something more than just one night stand is usually not my type.
Maybe, it is me. My monotonic boring tone or my lack of social skills. It has to be something. I cannot keep a guy I like. I cannot keep a guy interested in me whom I like. I cannot say I'm choosing the wrong type of guy because that's the type of guy makes me happy. That's the type of man makes me stay interested or want to be with them. The nice guy I'm dating, he maybe the ideal guy every girl wish for, but clearly he's not my type. He doesn't make me want to be with him 24/7. He doesn't make me miss him. No, I'm not asking for a douche bag. That's the last type of guy I want to date. Question is the type of guy I want to date, do they want to date me? Or would I find a guy who would like to date me who is also my type?
I'm lonely and it's only getting worst. I started gardening. It really makes me feel happy. I wish I could get a dog. I need to keep my mind occupied so I wouldn't think about all this. Marriage, relationship, love - all these has been my issues for so long. I come to think, I'm one of those women who truly aren't meant for all these. I'm one of those women who will be living alone because she (in this case I cannot find a single man who can satisfy me when it comes to love. Or maybe I just don't know how to fall in love and think too much.
As I'm growing old, I wonder how lonely my life is about to get....
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