How do you deal with heartache?
My previous unfinished tale:
"I'm not sure how else to say it. I got heartache. There are just so many things going on in my head. I'm confused about how to process this and what to say or write but I guess I'm going to do that anyway.
I met a guy, whose name shall not be mentioned, at a party. I thought he was pretty cool considering he's the type of guy doesn't attract me most of the time. I guess the part of him I liked about him was that he's social and is very open minded about life in general. He made me feel comfortable and........ "
Present day:
I started writing about my heartache but couldn't finish due to work. So, I decided to write another journal entry. I have said this before in my blog I keep so many journal starting from paper diary to phone to here. I wish I had my diary with me but since it's not, here I am, writing yet another sob story.
It began this morning. I didn't want to wake up to come to work. Weather wasn't helping either. It's supposed to be summer but the sky is really gray, just like my mood.
Anyway, I woke up, got ready, head out the door, and prayed as usual to God saying I hope this day goes by well. When I came to work the weather got worse and black. Without coffee, I began to work and do my usual activities. I don't know what is it that's bugging me so much but it feels like a heavy burden.
My brother got a job and I'm super happy but then thinking about myself, where do I go from here? I'm at work trying to really concentrate on my job and do well as long as I'm here. I should be. On the side, I'm looking for a new project debating should I stay here in California or take a chance to explore other states. Then, I think about my friends and family here that I will be leaving behind. It's really hard to make friends now days. Friends you can trust and be open to .
Same time, I'm secretly wishing that I get a permanent position here so I won't have to look for a new job and settle down. Then, again it makes me wonder am I wasting time looking for jobs instead of getting my certification? My friends are encouraging me take an exam and get certified which I know will help me find a better job.
With all the things floating around in my head, it's hard to find a ground to know what should be my priorities. Everything seems to be tangled up with one another. You must be wondering where does the previous story fit into this? Well, here we go...
This weekend I met up with my friend to have a dinner, which was great. When we were leaving I asked her if she said anything to the "mystery man" I'm dating. When she re-told me the story of her having a fight with him and never again talking to him, it made sense. Believe me, I'm content. I understand the reason why he didn't want to see me again or avoiding my calls/texts. I accepted that. But my heart is lonely. I keep on wondering what would be like to have someone in your life? Will I be more motivated to work hard, and study? I don't think I am as heartbroken the fact that we are no longer together or that I'm single as I, not understanding myself. I feel like a lost person, trying to find a way. I have no idea what I want to do, what my passion is, where should I look, how to get motivated or any of this.
Right now, I wish to quit my job but I cannot because I'm an adult with responsibility. But beside those responsibility, how would you define an adult who is lost and cannot seem to find herself. Isn't adult supposed to know and guide those who hasn't experience life yet?
I know I'm just rambling and nagging about things that are not working in my life. But I really cannot find the energy to actually listen to my own advice. I know I have to shake off all the anxiety and being depressed but it's hard to deal with. I have heard so many positive things from friend but there is just something that's stopping me from doing it. 1. I'm so lost that I don't even want it. 2. Part of me feels like my empty heart could be the reason.
Find work
Get certified
Study in order to certified
Need motivation to study
No motivation because I feel my empty heart needs a refill with love.
Then, thinking about job because love shouldn't be 1st priority.
This is like an endless cycle. How do you deal with this? Looks like I give love too much priority. How do you not give priority to love and force yourself to focus on your career? How do you force yourself and be happy? I have no desire to work and look for a new job. I want to go back to school and study and meet new people. Pick up a hobby and find my passion. I tried. I did try but seems like the universe is working against me. Today, I wanted to register for classes but I couldn't because the system won't let me register. I cannot go to school and register because it's always close when I am off from work. I can't take a day off or go to early because I took a vacation and it won't be wise when I'm going through all this at work.
If I say I want a restart, do I get a chance to restart my life? Do I? There are too many things to think about before I just drop everything and start again. I can't be selfish and it's hard not being selfish. I want to be happy again. Happy for living an excited life. I really want this but seems like no matter what I do, without luck or will power I cannot achieve this. This is why I said I maybe more depressed for not understanding myself better. What's more sad is that I cannot find the right person who can guide me......
My previous unfinished tale:
"I'm not sure how else to say it. I got heartache. There are just so many things going on in my head. I'm confused about how to process this and what to say or write but I guess I'm going to do that anyway.
I met a guy, whose name shall not be mentioned, at a party. I thought he was pretty cool considering he's the type of guy doesn't attract me most of the time. I guess the part of him I liked about him was that he's social and is very open minded about life in general. He made me feel comfortable and........ "
Present day:
I started writing about my heartache but couldn't finish due to work. So, I decided to write another journal entry. I have said this before in my blog I keep so many journal starting from paper diary to phone to here. I wish I had my diary with me but since it's not, here I am, writing yet another sob story.
It began this morning. I didn't want to wake up to come to work. Weather wasn't helping either. It's supposed to be summer but the sky is really gray, just like my mood.
Anyway, I woke up, got ready, head out the door, and prayed as usual to God saying I hope this day goes by well. When I came to work the weather got worse and black. Without coffee, I began to work and do my usual activities. I don't know what is it that's bugging me so much but it feels like a heavy burden.
My brother got a job and I'm super happy but then thinking about myself, where do I go from here? I'm at work trying to really concentrate on my job and do well as long as I'm here. I should be. On the side, I'm looking for a new project debating should I stay here in California or take a chance to explore other states. Then, I think about my friends and family here that I will be leaving behind. It's really hard to make friends now days. Friends you can trust and be open to .
Same time, I'm secretly wishing that I get a permanent position here so I won't have to look for a new job and settle down. Then, again it makes me wonder am I wasting time looking for jobs instead of getting my certification? My friends are encouraging me take an exam and get certified which I know will help me find a better job.
With all the things floating around in my head, it's hard to find a ground to know what should be my priorities. Everything seems to be tangled up with one another. You must be wondering where does the previous story fit into this? Well, here we go...
This weekend I met up with my friend to have a dinner, which was great. When we were leaving I asked her if she said anything to the "mystery man" I'm dating. When she re-told me the story of her having a fight with him and never again talking to him, it made sense. Believe me, I'm content. I understand the reason why he didn't want to see me again or avoiding my calls/texts. I accepted that. But my heart is lonely. I keep on wondering what would be like to have someone in your life? Will I be more motivated to work hard, and study? I don't think I am as heartbroken the fact that we are no longer together or that I'm single as I, not understanding myself. I feel like a lost person, trying to find a way. I have no idea what I want to do, what my passion is, where should I look, how to get motivated or any of this.
Right now, I wish to quit my job but I cannot because I'm an adult with responsibility. But beside those responsibility, how would you define an adult who is lost and cannot seem to find herself. Isn't adult supposed to know and guide those who hasn't experience life yet?
I know I'm just rambling and nagging about things that are not working in my life. But I really cannot find the energy to actually listen to my own advice. I know I have to shake off all the anxiety and being depressed but it's hard to deal with. I have heard so many positive things from friend but there is just something that's stopping me from doing it. 1. I'm so lost that I don't even want it. 2. Part of me feels like my empty heart could be the reason.
Find work
Get certified
Study in order to certified
Need motivation to study
No motivation because I feel my empty heart needs a refill with love.
Then, thinking about job because love shouldn't be 1st priority.
This is like an endless cycle. How do you deal with this? Looks like I give love too much priority. How do you not give priority to love and force yourself to focus on your career? How do you force yourself and be happy? I have no desire to work and look for a new job. I want to go back to school and study and meet new people. Pick up a hobby and find my passion. I tried. I did try but seems like the universe is working against me. Today, I wanted to register for classes but I couldn't because the system won't let me register. I cannot go to school and register because it's always close when I am off from work. I can't take a day off or go to early because I took a vacation and it won't be wise when I'm going through all this at work.
If I say I want a restart, do I get a chance to restart my life? Do I? There are too many things to think about before I just drop everything and start again. I can't be selfish and it's hard not being selfish. I want to be happy again. Happy for living an excited life. I really want this but seems like no matter what I do, without luck or will power I cannot achieve this. This is why I said I maybe more depressed for not understanding myself better. What's more sad is that I cannot find the right person who can guide me......
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